Wednesday’s Words: Chesterton

This is a series where I’ll post a few of my favorite lines.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. I’d say I hope you get more than you deserve, but we already have.

-Tyler

How to Give Someone a Pack of Gum for Christmas

Sometimes there’s people you want to get things for, but don’t really want to make it a big deal. You can always go with a giftcard, but I’ve given five dollar gift cards before and it just feels awkward. It really is the thought that counts with some gifts, so here’s a way I found to give a pack of gum.

Find a pack of gum that has square or rectagular white pieces. Then tape a little message to it. I made the one below on the Studio app. It’s incredibly simple but still looks great. I’ve used the app for several projects.

And that’s how I gave a pack of gum. If you are really cheap, like I am, you can even get away with giving half of it.

Enjoy saying, “Merry Christmas!! . . . kind of…”

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A DIY Christmas Card Tree

Thanksgiving has come and gone and left us all a little heavier. Black Friday gave way to Cyber Monday and now our wallets are a little lighter. Soon our mailboxes will feel their weight of the holiday season as Christmas cards are coming.

You’ll get picture postcards with holiday borders. You’ll get the awkwardly long card that is taller than all the others. People will send you pictures of their kids while others will send you pictures of their dogs. Hopefully no one will just send you just a picture of his or her self as single people are not allowed to send Christmas cards to anyone.

But soon these season’s greetings will begin to pile up. You’ll try to put them on your fridge but soon it becomes too many. A slight knock to one and you’ve set off an avalanches of cheers, best wishes, and ’tis the seasons.

Don’t let this happen to you. For the cost of a few dollars you can build a simple Christmas card tree. Here’s how:

For a few dollars I bought two pieces of wood, an eight foot 1×3 and an eight foot 1×1. I cut the 1×1 into a five foot piece.

I cut the 1×3 into staggered lengths, 2.5 feet, 2 feet, 1.5 feet, 1 foot, six inches, and finally four inches.

I painted each “branch” with acrylic craft paint and spray painted the 1×1 stem brown. Then I sanded each piece of wood to rough it up.

I laid each branch out seven inches apart from each other and nailed them to the stem using some finishing nails.

I put a little picture frame holder on the back and asked my wife where she wanted it. I picked up some small clothespins later and glued them on. Now I’m just going to wait and hope we get a ton of Christmas cards. Otherwise I pretty much wasted a Saturday afternoon.

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Merry Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Enjoy a FREE gift from me to you. Both Gather Sticks Along the Way: A Novel and A Few Thoughts: A Collection of Quotes are available on Amazon for free. Pick up your free copies today and tomorrow.

What I Don’t Want for Christmas

Christmas is less than a week away and by now surely someone has asked what you want. You’ve probably asked the question yourself. Of course my wife asked me and I rattled off the things I knew I could probably use like an Amazon or iTunes gift card. When I went on to think of something else, I really couldn’t. I couldn’t think of a single thing I really, truly wanted. And that stood out to me.

It just seems like our entire life we grow up with wants. We’re groomed to want to want things. We see ads and commercials and cereal boxes and catchy animation interrupting the article we are reading all to tell us what we want. And now, for the first time in a very long time, I couldn’t think of any gifts I wanted. Not to say I won’t accept any. My family loves me and they want to show that love by giving things they think I’ll enjoy. I’m sure I’ll like whatever my wife or other family members get me because they know me well. I just felt kind of bad because I couldn’t give them anything else I wanted off the top of my head.

When I thought more about this I realized that although there may not be much I really want for Christmas this year, there are definitely things I don’t want and I think a lot of people will agree with them.

• Don’t stress over it – The feeling that someone stressed over what to get me makes me sick to me stomach. You know someone in your life had this feeling at some point when you came into their mind. “What am I going to get _____? What did I get them last year?” I think we can all agree that we would rather have no gift at all than be an additional point of frustration for anyone.
• Don’t waste your time – This kind of goes all the same lines of the previous point. The downside of all this gift-getting is we are using time that we could otherwise spend with families. You may see your family and friends every single day, but this time of year your brain starts to secrete an adhesive. The times you spend with others now seem to immediately stick to your long-term memory.  No one wants you to waste a second of this time drudging through a store spending large amounts of time looking for their gift.
• Don’t take people for granted – That same sticky substance that makes memories more abundant also points out all the people who aren’t standing in the room with you. You could lose a loved one in March but you always remember it in December. You don’t hear their laugh in the other room or their signature dish on the table. So don’t take the ones you do have for granted.
• Don’t forget what it’s about – Whatever you celebrate, remember that is a celebration. For me it’s this. It’s not trees, it’s not parades, not Hallmark movie marathons. It’s not exchanging gifts or eating desserts. It’s about celebrating the cornerstone of my faith and the most powerful aspect of my life that is supposed to dictate all others.

While there are no gifts I truly need and because I couldn’t think of anything I immediately wanted, I came up with this. I don’t want the people I love to spend any of their time or resources in a way that would distract them from the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to know I already enjoy their presence in my life. I don’t need any presents to be happier.

Really?

“You just in a hurry to get home and drink that whiskey.” 

Yep, that’s exactly what was being shouted across the pedestrian walkway of the local Walmart. Amid the crawling carts and shoppers a couple was having a little spat right in the entrance and I was lucky enough to walk right up in the middle of it. These folks are the reason People of Walmart exist.

As funny as that encounter was, it wasn’t the worst thing I saw in that recent trip out to do a little shopping. There’s crazy stuff like that going on around us everywhere, but it seems like this time of year everyone decides to crank it up a notch.

Here’s a few other things I’ve noticed during the holiday season:

• Festive Pajamas – Whether they come with stripes, stockings, or footsies these pajamas come out once a year and they come out in force. I don’t own any unless you count a pair of snowman boxers. Let me be clear that I don’t have a problem with Christmas jammies, (if you haven’t seen the viral video by now you need to) but I do have a problem with where I see them. Unless I’m at your house, I shouldn’t see you in pajamas. I don’t care how cute or comfortable they are. Keep them at home. Put clothes on when you go outside. Clothes. Not pajamas. Snuggies maybe, but not pajamas.
• Bottom Shelves – When you bend down to look at items at the bottom shelf realize the breeze you feel isn’t Jack Frost nipping at your nose. It’s your butt crack is popping out like Punxsutawney Phil and making everyone else in the toy department feel uncomfortable.
• Mall Product Pitcher – I’m walking past you and looking down at my feet. I feel like I’m being watched by a wild gorilla so I don’t  make eye contact. But I can’t resist. I look up and you’ve spotted me. Before I know it you are talking to me about all the ways your product will make me feel younger or relieve stress or make my hair grow faster. I don’t care what river in South America you got the minerals that go in your lotion but please let go of my hands. Stop trying to curl my wife’s hair. Stop trying to shove me in a tube and have your machine give me a water massage. Unless have a helicopter I can fly with a remote control I don’t want to talk to you!
• Rhyming – This one is out of control. Whether it is a commercial for electronics, shopping malls, or even holiday greeting emailed throughout the office, IT DOESN’T HAVE TO RHYME! You can just say it. Yes we sing a lot of songs this time of year. Creating an awful rhyme doesn’t make me want to give you any more attention. It just ticks me off because when I want to try to teach my kid a Christmas song all I can remember are the crappy words you replaced the classic with so I will buy your movie package on my satellite.
• Gift Guides – Thank you so much for helping me to come up with ideas on what to get my wife. I would have no idea what to get her if not for the endless gift guides the internet provides. I’d hate to  have to pay attention and her see if there’s anything I can find that might make her day easier. Heck I almost had to ask her what she would like for Christmas, but then you came along and spared that conversation. Thank goodness!
• Children – Here’s some common sense; Taking your small children Christmas shopping for their own gift is like holding steaks in front of a lion and asking him to pick one to eat later. He won’t wait and you’ll be dead. Keep the kids at home. Or at least avoid the toy section at all cost. I’m willing to bet your kids are actually trying to be good right now, but walking them past all that is just wrong. You don’t invite someone in recovery out for a drink. You don’t give Grandma an iTunes gift card. You don’t call shotgun when it’s just you and your blind friend. Setting people up for failure applies to your kids too.

I went home and described to my wife what I saw that day. I could think of no better way to title this post than her precious response-

“Really?” 

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